It Isn't Enough

I knew when I woke up it meant something other than what seemed obvious. I knew it had a lot more to do with my current life situation. I knew I couldn't figure it out on my own easily. So, I had to enlist Pattygal. Here's the best I can do to relay the dream:

• I'm an adult. My brother and sister are adults. My dad is alive. And my mom has just made dinner. The 5 of us are sitting down to dinner like normal childhood dinners. There are Dorito/chips and salsa type chips on our plates and we are spooning something like chili or taco meat out of a bowl on top of them. Dad, bro, and sis have served themselves. I'm about to serve myself, then Mom will serve herself. The bowl gets to me...And there's not nearly enough to serve Mom and me.....Almost not enough for me. And I AM PISSED!!! PISSED!!! (Keep in mind here....My family doesn't GET pissed.) "There's not enough! Why wouldn't you make enough?! Didn't you KNOW there wouldn't be enough? Didn't you know there needed to be more? There's not enough!!!" And everyone is looking at me like I have 7 heads. "FINE. Just FINE. I'll just go out and get something for myself. FINE." So, Mom takes the bowl and looks in and says...."What's wrong? There's nothing wrong with it. That's just a peanut in there." (Don't ask me to make it all make sense.) There's nothing wrong with it." Still pissed I say, "NO. I didn't say there was anything WRONG with it! I said there wasn't enough! There is NOT ENOUGH! FINE....I'll just go get something!" And I storm out of the house. The End.

Now, I know it isn't that I have an eating disorder and it is about portion control. And I know it isn't that I didn't receive enough love from my family. But I'm not sure just what it is. Enter Pattygal. I relay it all to her and she has one question. "Who is it you are angry with in the dream?" Me - "Mom."

Interpretation

(In Pattygal's voice)

You are your mom. You are angry with yourself. You've convinced yourself for years what you have - Your career and your friendships - is enough. Now one (career) is disintegrating. What you thought you had....You haven't. And you've suddenly realize.....IT ISN'T ENOUGH. What you have is good...There's nothing "wrong with it". But it just is not enough.....................So? What are you going to go get?

Wow..........................Wow...........................Wow..............................

She's right. It. Just. Isn't. Enough.

Her first thought was "You need a boy." Yes...Yes, I do. But last time I checked at The Boystore, all the boys were on back order.

So, I'm on a quest to get more. First step is tennis lessons, which friend, K, gently pushed me to take with her. Thanks, K. It is the first activity involving running and a ball I do not absolutely detest. (I know - Most do.)

Second thing might be a gym membership to the place we are taking lessons. It is the first gym I've ever entered I do not immediately detest. No crowded locker rooms, no lines for machines, no one looking at your ass jiggling (so far), no meatheads or juice monkeys, no booming/pounding music, no one chatting you up like a bad seatmate on an airplane.

So - Your suggestions on additional content are welcome. Boys and husbands are obvious. Babies are out at this point. And I already have a pet. Everything else is free game.

So whatever more there is out there? Bring it on.

That dream was a freakin' eye opener.