Put the O Back in Romance

Yes - You read it right. And when I heard the radio ad, I had to ask myself the same question. "Is that really what they said?" Why, yes....yes it is.

The ad is for www.pureromance.com. The Mary Kay of sex toys. And that is their catch phrase "Teaching ladies to put the O back in romance." Better than Overstock.com. One has to wonder....If you sell enough, do you get a giant pink dildo?

Take Control Of Your Life...Sign Up Today For $99. I may have missed my chance, because they were just in Atlanta yesterday and today at the Perimeter Prime Hotel & Suites. With a live party at 730p both days. Damn you and your birthday, Karen! This could have been my shot at success. (Pun fully intended.) They're endorsed by Forbes....Must be legit.

And the girl who I most love to hate is their most recent spokes person...JESSICA SIMPSON. 'Scuse me as I wretch.

So let us peruse the merchandise, ladies. (Just imagine me show casing dildos, vibrators, and other unmentionables...Carol Merrill-style.) The girl on the opening page has her eyes closed with a smile of utter bliss...She's obviously just finished up with said merchandise. What to choose? "Playful Beginnings?" "Romantic Interludes?"

Here we go...TOP SELLERS!! Like A Virgin -- Apparently this does something that tightens up the ol' equipment to just like new. A) Don't need it just yet. Catch me in 20 years. B) Don't want something that messes with my stuff like that. Booty Ease -- The booty wasn't meant to be easy...So no.

Ok - SPECIALS...Let's have a look. The Little Gem -- Looks kind of like a purple laytex sperm. Oh..And it is a "multi-use probe". Wonder if it works on that itch somewhere between your ear and your throat? That'd be a handy invention. The King Tut - Must be a knock off of the ever so popular Jack Rabbit. We can have that conversation later...but the Jack Rabbit is just way too gadgety for me. To many working parts. The moving pearls, the 42 speeds, the little rabbit by and his ears. Really the ears are all that matter...So why all that other fuss? Mr Tut's description "With more thickness than the average vibe this enhanced Egyptian lover with three cl*%($*@# stimulators has multiple gyrations for centuries of satisfaction." Three? Do I really need three? I only have one....

This, as with everything in my life, has endless questions and needs serious disection. *On what occasion do you throw this little soiree? Can I imagine my somewhat buttoned up work acquaintances inviting me over for "Cocktails and Vibes"?...Much like they do with "Cocktails and Tupperware"? (Which....Cocktails my ass...You just want the free stuff and are thinking you'll entice me with a measly glass of Sutter Home White Zinfandel.) *What is a guy's equivalent? The only thing I can think of is a circle jerk. Brings back a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. *Doesn't your target market get tapped out pretty quickly? How many toys does a girl need? One works for me. And I can do without him in a pinch.

So there ya go...A glimpse into my perverted and always questioning mind. Who'd have thunk we'd have progressed from not voting and corsets to sex toy parties on a Thursday night. Can't be Wednesday...That's church night for a lot of people.