AviaPhobia

No -- It really has nothing to do with "The Birds", or Alfred Hitchcock, or Suzanne Pleshette. At least, I don't remember it that way. The memory is really very odd...

I'm about 4...In my room with the pine floors in Chillocothe, MO. Middle of the night...And all I know is there is a small wren/sparrow type bird sitting on the inside of my windowsill. And it FREAKED ME OUT. Fliiiiiiiiiippped. Yelled and yelled and yelled for dad to come take it away. Of course, dad slept...And Mom came to save the day. And I made her pick up the non-existent bird and take it to the trash can and throw it away. Gone. For good. But I was sure as shit that bird was real.

Fast forward about....5 more years? Best friends grandpa likes to take mercy on little godforsaken animals. So bunnies with no homes...Chicks with no nest...Freakin blue jay with no nest. Which he proceeds to perch on my FINGER. The beginnings of YUCK. That damn thing is a LIZARD. Those feet are awful!!! DISGUSTING.

So ya see my hysteria? ( Maybe...sorta??)...I haaaaaaaaate birds. Hate. Despise. Want them dead. Can barely walk around Little Five Points with those freakin pigeons flying around. BLECH!!!!!!!!

Have I told you the Chicago story? Where we were milling about beneath the El? And happened upon a bunch of pigeons....And the El ran overhead....And they all FLEW..Straight AT ME?!?!? And all I could do was run...Full On....Into the plate glass window? With people laughing at me hysterically with my spittle on the window?...Yeah..Funny...Not...

Whew...Sorry...I got away from myself a moment there. Hooooooooorrid. Horrid Horrid Horrid. HORRID. They are not right. I do not wish death upon them..well..Ok - I do. The world would be a better place without them...Please....Agents of Satan. I swear.

At my office during certain parts of the year at just a certain point in the day when the sun is going down, these robins just hurl themselves into the windows. And it doesn't sound like a robin...But more like a buzzard or a bald eagle. I swear one day, one is going to come right through the window. And, yeah, it has been confirmed (I've seen) that there are some little birdy carcasses strewn about the next day. As each one hits, my brain just feels a little calmer...One more bad thing eliminated from the world.

Sorry - They disgust me and really (irrationally) scare me. They can all die...If not a single feathered friend remains? I'm okay. They are fucking rats with wings and horrible lizard feet and beaks that could peck your jugular out. As simple as that.