I'm Really Hoping This Isn't Selfish

I've recognized a real fear I have lately. It was, of course, brought to light by Nemo.

It isn't a fear of death...I really am not afraid of death.

I'm confident there is something after this life. I have no idea of what it is...But there is something else. And it is better. I guess I'm a bit Buddhist that way. Whatever is next just gets better. Until we make it to some completeness.

Also - I'm fairly confident if I go to that next place, I'll get to see all those that have gone before me. Give me the choice of the rest of life with my dad....Or life as I have it? I'm not sure that is a choice I can make. All I can say is that if the choice is made for me, I'd better be able to see Dad.

But what I AM scared of? As in shivering in my boots scared of? Is people missing me. That is almost unthinkable to me. Those that just chill me most are my brother and sister. I just cannot imagine life without my siblings. And I don't want them to feel that void without me. Yes - Parents are awful to lose, children as well. But people don't talk much about siblings. They're almost me. Like paper doll me-s with different hair and clothes stuck on. They're just part of me. And the thought of me leaving them here alone just reduces me to tears in an instant. It is, simply, unfathomable.

So, that's what my prayers are going to focus on. PLEASE, let me be here for S and N. I'm the middle kid. I held us together growing up. I held us together when dad was sick. And now I still work hard at holding us together. I've done it this long. It's what I do. It's my job as the middle.

I always knew if one of us would get sick or have something wrong, it would be me. And I'd rather have it that way. Cause I can control me - I can't control them.

But this one little Nemo?? He's a tiny fish. A blip on our radar.

Us P Family? We're tough. We make it. We just keep swimming. And swim I will. WITH my brother and sister by me. ('Scuse - Gotta go blow my nose now.)