The Longest....Uh...Yeah.....

I saw the remake of The Longest Yard this weekend. I had heard bad reviews, but I LOVED IT!!! As friend, A, says - "Prison movie and football movie COMBINED?? What could be better?" Of course, the fact that Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Burt Reynolds were thrown in the mix didn't suck either.

Got me to thinking though....About the original Longest Yard. I remember watching at my friend C's house in I'm thinkin about the 7th grade. She was an only child and had a very open relationship with her parents.

I remember her telling me she could hear her parents having sex through the bedroom walls. OK -- So, I supposed I'd admitted to my subconscious self that my parents were having sex as well (my insomniac tendencies has lead me to that conclusion). But - Can we PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT IT?

I also remember sneaking little sips of vodka from the bar downstairs. But - Fastforward to watching The Longest Yard with Burt and Kris. And seeing for the first time in my life a grown male penis that was not attached to my father...Cause my father was just my father and that is just what he looked like...Which was no big deal. But this new thing I am seeing? This other appendage? This thing I'm supposed to yearn for? Yeah? All I can think is: "Um.......No, not so much!" (Gotta admit girls...It just ain't pretty.)

Next.....Mid-teens....And we're learning about these things that happen during sex. Not just the standard penis-in-vagina...But the extras. All those things they don't tell you about. And my friend, KB, and I SWEARING we will NEVER let a man make a meal outta our parts. With me? NO WAY!!! NOOOOOOOT HAPPENING!!

Later teens...(Remember...My teen years were shut off of most feelings in general. So intimacy, dating, normal things were WAY out of my scope. Late bloomer in that field.) Seniors in high school and other friend, C, goes to visit cool, older friend at college. At such college, hooks up with boy. When back, proceeds to tell me how said boy kissed her boobs. Now, WHY ON EARTH would they do THAT??? Why, indeed.

So, here I sit years later, wondering where-oh-here is list where I sign up for noisy sex, adult penises (penii?), meals made of me, and boob kissing. No one told us about the extra good parts! I'm thinkin that is why they keep it a secret. Cause the now the whole story is OH SO DIFFERENT!!!

Whoooda thunk it could change that drastically. Birds & bees? PHOOEY! Boobs and peepees! (Again...Later bloomer...Still not quite grown up.....)