I mentioned a while back that friend, K, is
getting married. I am sort of a participant - An "attendant". That means I'll do some stuff like hand out programs. But I don't have to wear "the dress". I'll get introduced as part of the bridal party...Meaning spotlight will be on me for three quarters of a second. But that is enough for me to decide I need an extra special non-dress dress for the occassion.
I found said dress Saturday. And it is FABULOUS. I knew it would have to be something that would knock me on my ass into the adjacent rack of clothes - And it did. It is one of your basic "little black dresses". Knee-length, spaghetti strapped, heavy black cotton crochet, with little bunches of about 5 black beads interspersed here and there. Just conventional enough to be corporate Trixie, and just different enough to be the real Trixie who is dying to jump out.
And THE MOST FABULOUS thing??? I can go BRALESS in it! Folks, that doesn't happen in my world! The girls have not been out in public braless, since I went for that walk when I was twelve in my school t-shirt and my mom told me it was "time". (Yes - 12.) But this dress has some built in bra-type-thingy. And it fits just peeeeeeeerfect. So just tight enough to hold the girls in place, but not TOO tight.
Which brings us to the point of our story (yes - finally). It is heavy crochet. And it sits very perfectly on every curve of my body. It also sits on every bulge.
A year ago about now, I was the thinnest of Trixie's world thin (TOTWT). A few (no - not all) of those LBs have come back. Even when I was TOTWT, I had discovered and wore these amazing inventions called
Spanx. They are totally, freakin amazing. They're like super-duper control top panty hose that stop mid-thigh. Right where you need them to stop. They hide every little flaw, bump, bulge, ripple, cottage-cheese. You get it. So you'd think they'd feel as if you'd been shoved inside a sausage casing that was 7 sizes too small. But they DO NOT. They're AMAZINGLY comfortable. And they make your ass look like you could bounce a quarter off it. (Yes, this is a glowing endorsement. No, I am receiving no royalties. Although, I should.)
Up til now, I'd done the basic, garden variety
Power Panties. These worked fine before. Started at the waist and went to mid-thigh. Everything was properly squished and contained. But I started worrying, with these few new LBs...Would all that stuff just get pushed up from thigh, ass and tummy -- And then spill over in one disgusting waist roll? Ruining my lovely, form fitting, fabu little black dress??
Introducing, my friends,
Higher Power - High Waisted Power Panties. These things come all the way up, ending just under the boobs. And no, it doesn't all just end up in the cleavage. Somehow, It just all squishes. Again - FABULOUS.
I wrestled into my super-squishers tonight. An experiment meant to take another look at the dress and to take some photos to send to Pattygal. To see if she can detect rolls, help with shoes, and advise on the cleavage acceptability scale.
The self photos didn't work at all. But - Feeling rather satisfied with the lack of rolls and dimples, sweating a bit from the wrestling match donning the super panties, and just being beat for the day - I hang up new fabu dress, and attempted to get out of super panties.
In the offing, I notice. "HOLY SHIT. Have I gotten SO fat that I busted right through the crotch seam of super panties????" Oooooooooooooooooooohh! NO! Look at THAT! I had not yet had the "how the hell am I gonna pee in these things" thought. But obviously someone did! Yep, kids! A built in pee panel! Kind of works like boys underwear works. A crotchal opening that you kind of have to pry open and then do the job. I'm not quiiiiiiiiiite sure how this is gonna work, and we may have to have a few practice runs. I don't think it'll turn out quite as disastrous as the attempt to '"pee like a boy" when I was 6...But, without practice, I'm envisioning similar results. Put a few drinks in me and the outcome should be spectacular. But it has GOT to be better than hoisting those things up and down everytime the urge hits me. Oh - And yes...The packaging told me: "Cotton double gusset (crotch) opens to make life easer when Mother Nature calls".
Who knew??
And we thought
Extreme Bra Shopping was good. Pfffffffffffft!
