But With No Nemo To Worry About.....

....What is one to do? Back to the utter mundacities of day to day life, I suppose.

Concentration has been a bit hard to come by post-Nemo. I guess what with being asleep for over a half day and what it takes to keep one in that state, lack of concentration can be expected.

Good news is -- I finished an entire crossword by myself today. Granted..No New York Times here. A very easy one in the back of a cheesy woman's mag that probably any well trained chimp could have completed. But...I am taking it as a sign of victory. My brain still works enough to pump out answers to questions and string them together in a gridlike fashion across a page.

Job well done, I say.

I'm Gonna Be OK

This is probably the last you'll hear from me prior to Nemo's departure. I hope to be back to blogging some time late next week. It is the first goal I have set for myself. Unless, of course, I am terribly unhappy with the head shaving job my doc's do. If that turns out to be the case, goal number one will be to the hair salon to see my favorite stylist (I have a hair obsession.).

Last week was probably the roughest of my life. Teetering on the edge of that volcano we call sanity (or insanity). Friday I was driving home and tears were streaming down my face. I have been praying and praying and praying for calm...But it just wasn't coming. Finally, I figured out that while God is pretty cool and all, I just wasn't feeling the one-on-one time I thought I needed. So...I enlisted someone who might have a more personal relationship for me. Out loud I said: "Daddy, please just reach down and wrap your arms around me and let me feel safe." And WHOOSH...It all just lifted. And it felt so good that my next request was: "Ok - So while you're at it...Maybe could you send me a rainbow?"

I knew the chances were slim....Because there was no rain predicted anytime soon. And while he can send me a rainbow now and then, no one can expect him to be good enough to actually make it rain. But I thought it couldn't hurt to ask.

So, no rain since then. Freakin cold. But not enough rain combined with sun to make a rainbow.

But tonight....Right at dusk....I walked out on my front porch....And the entire sky was filled with the most beautiful, puffy, floating clouds uplit in bright orangey-pink from the sun with a spectulary crisp blue sky as the background. Now, Georgia isn't known for its sunsets...Especially as close to the city as I am. But....This day, it was BEAUTIFUL. And I knew it was for me.

He couldn't make a rainbow. But he could do something just as phenomenal to send me a sign to remind me that his arms are always wrapped around me and I'll always be safe.

I'm gonna be ok! He just proved it!

May I Please Get Off This Rollercoaster Now??

The emotional one, that is.

One week til Nemo's departure. I have good days and scary days now. Monday was scary. Tuesday was good.

Wednesday was one of the best ever. We celebrated with a Goodbye Nemo Happy Hour. All those people showed up just to support me. And best of all? My best chica ever, Pattygal, the one who does not like surprises nor to surprise?....Showed up all the way from Texas to surprise me. And surprise me she did. (Well - Not all that much after I think about it. Cause it is just how she is.) So we had a great night and I laughed and smiled and felt ever so loved and supported.

Today was a scary day again. I think I experienced a full on anxiety attack. With no instigation or triggering event whatsoever. Just doing fine.....fine......fine.....fine....and WHAM. Not fine...Not fine at all. It started in my stomach clenching, then moved on to sitting on the bed and just crying, then moved onto dry heaves. The whole event lasted maybe 15 minutes. And God bless B. He was there to talk me through it. And tell me it was ok to cry. And that contrary to what I was thinking....Crazy isn't being scared....Crazy would be not being scared.

I honestly feel very sorry for people with chronic depression, or chronic anxiety attacks, or some other kind of uncontrollable mental problem. Because to feel like I felt in those 15 minutes for 24 hours a day?....Would be a living hell.

One week from just about now, this should all be over. I probably won't remember most of Thursday. But I sure as hell am looking forward to next Friday. When I can wake up and know that Nemo is just a really good movie....Not something inside my head.

Cat Shit

Literally.

The tedium I meant to post here earlier. "Tidy Cat Small Spaces." NO -- Vote NO. Small spaces require small smells...This does not do the trick. Also, the litter is too kickable. Meaning it is all over the place outside the box.

Tidy Cat Scoopable. Good. But works like one freakin day. I don't scoop every day. Does someone?

Tidy Cat Multiple Cats? Now THAT is the SHIT!! (And covers up the shit.) Built in advertising right here.

Boring to most of you? Yes. Have a cat? Yeah - You get it.

What Sucks Is I Cannot Sleep Til Noon Everyday

I'm an insomniac by nature. Generally, 4 hours is a good night. Consecutive hours, and we've REALLY hit nirvana.

So, lately? I am a sleep WHORE! This weekend...You could not have roused me before noon. And every day last week and this week? Do not DARE talking to me before 8:30am. Something is happening, and my brain just knows....Sleep is her only solice...When her brain lets her shut down. So freakin let her.

Dudes - We are talking 10-12 hours! NO SHITTING YOU!! Unconcious, drugged out, morphined SLEEP. OUT. Blinds down, lights out, nothing going on here SLEEP.

I wonder if it is what depressed people feel. You know. They say they cannot get out of bed for days. That isn't quite what I feel. Just like some one turned off the switch and let me rest.

It is to the point, I cannot wait to get home and in my jammies and feeling that sleepy feeling and snuggled up in my bed and OUT. The out part is just SO GOOD.

Ok - So I am supposed to be cleaning until my Mother can eat off the floor. She can eat off the floor in my front bathroom. Everything else may require a TV tray.

So - Next Thursday this sleep thing will go on for 12 to 18 hours. Please let it feel as good as the sleep lately has been feeling. And let Mom, B, and K have it feel that good as well....As they wait in the waiting room for me to wake up.

It is all so bizarre. I'll give you a few more updates here...Then direct you to my Patient Update Site. Then Trix will be back in her usual, witty (hopefully) blogging style as usual. CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR THAT!!!!!!!!

10, 9, 8.....

The countdown is on. Days left til Nemo is out.

Yeah - I get edgier by the day.

Less food consumed. (I am a no eat stresser.) And trying not to become more alcohol consumed. (That would be me normally. But this is my brain we're messing with.) Tummy squeezier by the day. (Squeezy tummy stresser.)

I'm scared. I'll give in to that one emotion. Yup - Fear. Plain and simple. A friend asked me the one single thing I am most frightened of. I'm not sure I can name that. If anything, I guess the unknown. Or lack of control.

Another friend said the other day: "Trix - You are going to be going through something pretty remarkable." Take note of that word - "Remarkable".

I have to say - Everything so far has been just that...Remarkable. I said to Pattygal the other day - I guess everything has a lesson attached. And if this has had one lesson? It is that A LOT, A LOT of people love me.

THAT is a really good thing to learn!

Chraysmas Kaysh

I don't know what got me thinking about this today. Maybe the way I pronounce "fahw-whad" (forward). Or "Maa-haam" (Mom). Or OOckay (OK). Or "Buuuuuuuullth" (both).

But yeah - I almost have that midwestern almost Minne-SODA/Wiz-caaahhhnnsan accent.

Missouri, though, is unique. Cause the further south you go? The hicker you get. We say things like "warsh". And "alunium". And "nucular". (God - How much do I hate sharing that with W?? No, I've never said it myself. But just coming out of the mouth of my stock HURTS. Stabbing...self...in...eyes....)

My bro, and old b/f and I share a unique fondness for the sitcom that came on right after the news. At 10:30pm every night, Larry Moore announced "MAAAASHE is next!"

Which brings me to my subject line. Our minister, Bill O. Every Christmas Eve Service, he instructed us to give special props and love to those around us. Mostly our family "Give those next to you a Speay-shal Chrays-mash Kaysh". My family still gives "Speay-shal Chrays-mash Kayshes" to this day.

That's how much we love each other.

All in All - It Was A Lovely Day

The evening before was a lovely rehearsal dinner. Lovely company. Food was awesome. Good family and friend time.

Saturday the weather was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL for friend, K's, day. Beautiful. I volunteered to be the back up, follow-around-the-actual-photographer picture taker...But ended up being more than that. Errand runner and picture taker. Good day spent. You know I like taking care...And it was a good taking care kind of day.

I think we ended up with about 180 pictures. That was right before my battery ran out. Without any warning. Bastard. It is like that....It does that. Bastard and your little full battery icon. BASTARD YOU!

K was LOVELY. Flowers were LOVELY. Girls were LOVELY. Family was LOVELY. The wedding - LOVELY!!!

......I was 'that drunk girl' at the end of the night. You know that one...that drunk one. Who drinks. And gets drunk. And laughs. And talks. And hugs. And give lap dances (??), and has heart to hearts (??), and that? That drunk girl. That's me. With the straight family who barely drinks. PEEEEEEERRRRRRRRFECT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, that drunk girl dutifully got herself up the next morning for brunch. Smiled through a couple cups of coffee, eggs, and fruit. And promptly headed home to the couch. To wear off the drunkenness and the two day hangover that ensued.

But still...LOVELY...All LOVELY. K was the MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE EVER EVER EVER THE END AMEN GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! And S was kinda cute too.

Doesn't Get Much Better Than This

Went home this weekend to see my girls (2 nieces). Niece, H, promised cake -- So, home I went!

Little Niece, S, is just 9 months old. We're just getting to know each other. She's the quietest but most inquisitive baby I've ever seen. One of those that if you can't hear her? - You'd better go see what she's up to. She's already heading up Nama's hardwood stairs. Over. and. Over. and. Over. and. Over............But SO cute.

Niece, H, and I just have something special. She pounced on me the moment I saw her. We headed for Sonic and Cherry LimeAdes - Our ritual.

This morning, I heard her outside my room. Asking Nama: "WHEN will she get up?" "When!?" "WHEN!?" "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!?" Finally, Nama relented and let her in. She crept into my room, peeled back the covers, slipped her mostly naked, just bathed, wet haired, good smelling body into my bed, squeezed my neck and whispered: "You're the BEST Aunt Trixie...EVER!!!"

Who can ask for more than that???