Alas - We Now Have A Date To Bid Nemo Adieu

October 27, 2005 will be the big day, folks.

I spent the day in a very special kind of work hell today. Attornies, VPs, customers? They all seem to think they're more important than me...It was beyond nerve wracking. So, I haven't quite had time to adjust to or digest how I feel about that date.

Part of me says "Way too freakin long". Part of me says "Good...Lotsa time to plan stuff".

As I told my mother tonight....I can't really decide if it is this tumor thing? Or if I might be going through menopause. (No, I'm not.) Cause never in my life have my emotions been this all over the map. Pretty much Brisbane to Boise.

So sorry, Nemo. I've never felt any particular attachment to you. You've pretty much been an uninvited interloper so far. And now your eviction date has been set. If only I could just set you on the curb?...That'd be kinda cool.

June Cleaver/Betty Crocker Continues

I think aliens have invaded my body. I just made COOKIES. Yes - COOKIES. This from the Lean Cuisine/Smart One queen of the world. Granted - It was a mix. Harry & David's Cranberry Lace Chip. But still -- Fresh, warm, piping hot cookies are in my kitchen.

And yesterday? I grilled turkey tenderlions. Made rice pilaf and veggies.

Something is seriously wrong here, folks.

Nemo has unleashed some scary, domestic goddess within me. I'm feeling the need to nest. My home is clean, my bed is made, dinner is on the table, and I have fresh cookies.

Alert the press....Next thing you know? I might be pregnant. (HA -- THAT is a funny one!)

Boys I Love

And I mean really love. In the "Thank God these people are in my life" way. Because they love me and they are just the "Good Guys".

Nemo has brought out the good in almost every guy (ok person - but today we are just talking about guys) in my life.

Pattygal and I were talking the other day. The fact that we have the "Good Guys" somehow validates that we're good too and picked the right ones. Good enough to be blessed with having them in our lives.

Almost too many to name...But let's start the list:

BRO - His first reaction to the discovery of Nemo was - "Yeah - I lost my camera." (Ok - there must be a parallel there somewhere.) But today on the phone when I told him it was a 12 hour surgery, the reaction was - "That's a long time, Jack! Those anesthesiologists had better get it right...Or there's one mean ass big brother coming from Kansas City to track their asses down." (Gotta love him.)

Bro-in-law - To sis. "Take whatever time you need off. Leave the girls with me. Your sister needs you."

G to Pattygal - "Hell - This is brain surgery! If they say do it on Christmas Day? Then do it on Christmas Day!"

B #1 (I have many B's in my life) - Asks when every next Dr's appt is. Asks me to call him after every one. Asks every day if I'm ok (because he knows somewhere deep down inside...I'm not). And when I have a meltdown over a stupid work thing says - "Please, don't cry. It kills me."

B #2 - Who was hesitant to talk about the wonderful news of his upcoming baby. Cause good news seemed to 'something' in light of Nemo. Trust me, B, I'd rather talk about upcoming baby. That's the good stuff!

B #3 - He and I REALLY did not hit it off at first. But now he is my math buddy and I am his grammar buddy. He IM'ed me the other day....To tell me "I'm not religious...So no praying or anything. But I'll be thinking about you and stuff."

H - Who took me to dinner right after the news. Did a good job of talking through mostly just the facts. Commended me on my good attitude. But this week told Pattygal - "I'm worried about her. She seems to be holding up so well. But how is she when she is by herself? Without her friends?"

K's Fiance S - Who said "I'd give her a big hug now, if I could through the phone."

A's husband G - Who asks how I'm feeling every time we speak. And who said I can move in after Nemo's departure, if necessary.

Work buddy R - Who just doesn't want to talk about it. Almost tears up when we do. But somehow, without asking or telling, keeps track of Dr's appts and says things like - "Good luck! Make sure you like him. It is really important you like him!"

Work buddy C - Who is one of the biggest social retards on the planet. But everytime he is walking by, stops and pats my shoulder in one of the most genuine acts of concern you've ever seen.

Pattygal's Friend Mexi-Mike - Whom I've never met. IM'ed with only a few times. Yet he is keeping up and checking in and just caring.

Then Today I Run Across This Guy Who I Might Want To Marry -
Guy Who Loves Strong Women - Long Post

These are my "Good Guys". I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world. It is a myth that there are none left. There are plenty. Just keep your eyes open for them.

Digital Sharing

I promised pics from Seattle and here they are. These are all from Pikes Place Market. If you cannot make art from everyday objects in this place?....Then you are just an unimaginative dolt.


Crabs At The Market


Tomatoes At The Market


Flowers At The Market


FEET At The Market


If you haven't been, you really need to go. The people are friendly and they make you want to be a hippie. Which was my past life as I'm sure you all know.

It Was Fun Right Up Until....

.....about now.

Now being my 5th hour in the Seattle airport. Yeahyeah - So I get work perks that have me sitting here. Most times they work out well....This time not so much. All those people purchasing tickets, I guess, just feel entitled to board that plane. Go figure. This is the fourth try.

I think next, we rent a car and head to Portland for a shot at the red-eye. On the upside, I can add Oregon to the list of states I've been to.

So - I'll update you later!!

From The Emerald City

No - Not as in The Wizard Of Oz. But, yes, from afar.

Seattle to be precise. At its finest. 80 degree blue, blue skies. No humidity whatsoever. Shiny, happy people laughing.

Seattle brings out the granola in me. Wild curls, hardly any make-up, black tank top topped with denim jacket, green gauzy flowy skirt, and black Sketchers flip-flops. Granola Girl I am for today.

Today entailed: Sleeping in. Cab ride to the city. Short jaunt through Pike's Place Market. Ferry to Bainbridge Island. Shopping. Eating and the best Mai Tais this side of Honolulu. More shopping. Ferry back to Seattle. And an evening on the most amazing roof deck you have ever seen.

I'll post pics soon.

Right now, I'm going for another glass of wine, curling up in my adirondack, and soon snuggling in a nice, warm hotel bed.

More for ya'll later.

On The Way To Number One

Just a quick update. I'm making headway.

I'm now NUMBER TWO on Yahoo when searching for Panty Ass.

Hopefully, this will be the post to take me to NUMBER ONE!!

Welcome to Meltdown Central

It seems to becoming a pattern. Almost daily now. The evening meltdown occurs. Complete with sniffing and uncontrollably drippy nose.

Tonight I was talking to Mom. We went through a couple of ugly subjects. Like the fact that big brother, S, just won't talk about bad stuff. And one of those bad stuffs is that best friend of our entire family, I, has just been diagnosed with Alzeheimers. OK - She's 85. But to us she was invincible and never going to be taken down. The fact she might stuns each of us like a deer in headlights.

Then we started talking about hospitalization and surgery. Mom said something about the orders and directives you have to make. Very quitely I said, "Mom, you know we have to talk about that." She went on to the next topic. I stopped her. "Mom, did you hear me? We have to talk about that." Mom - "Oh....Yes we do. You need a Visible Power of Attorney and a DNR and a blah and a blah." Me - "Friend, M, is an attorney. Would you like me to ask him to help and what we should do?" Her - "Yes, please do that."

Next - "Mom - P has said she'd like Maggie for Soaps. Is that ok with you?" Puzzelement. "If she needs to go somewhere for a while?" Me - "No Mom, forever." DEAFENING silence. "THAT WON'T HAPPEN." "No - It won't....But if it does, Maggie is going to live with Soaps - OK?" Mom - "Yes...OK - Soaps. But that won't happen."

Then we talked about how friend, K, is going with me to next dr's appt. And how I have SO many people that love me. I started naming for her. B, B, and B, L, K, A and husband G kids E and E, L, R, P G & S, K, S N L H & S...And the alphabet soup that just continues? Ever so wise mom of all moms says "Yep - That is how God takes care of you. He makes sure you know how to love...So all those people can give you love back." She's a poet, no?

I-love-yous were exchanged. And we got of the phone.

That's when the water works began. But ya know? As I said to A the other day? IT IS SO OK TO CRY! Tears heal.

(And a special God Bless You To A - Whose angel she sent says a special "Protect This Woman". A - I've carried it every second since. God sent you to help protect me, you know?)

I'm Really Hoping This Isn't Selfish

I've recognized a real fear I have lately. It was, of course, brought to light by Nemo.

It isn't a fear of death...I really am not afraid of death.

I'm confident there is something after this life. I have no idea of what it is...But there is something else. And it is better. I guess I'm a bit Buddhist that way. Whatever is next just gets better. Until we make it to some completeness.

Also - I'm fairly confident if I go to that next place, I'll get to see all those that have gone before me. Give me the choice of the rest of life with my dad....Or life as I have it? I'm not sure that is a choice I can make. All I can say is that if the choice is made for me, I'd better be able to see Dad.

But what I AM scared of? As in shivering in my boots scared of? Is people missing me. That is almost unthinkable to me. Those that just chill me most are my brother and sister. I just cannot imagine life without my siblings. And I don't want them to feel that void without me. Yes - Parents are awful to lose, children as well. But people don't talk much about siblings. They're almost me. Like paper doll me-s with different hair and clothes stuck on. They're just part of me. And the thought of me leaving them here alone just reduces me to tears in an instant. It is, simply, unfathomable.

So, that's what my prayers are going to focus on. PLEASE, let me be here for S and N. I'm the middle kid. I held us together growing up. I held us together when dad was sick. And now I still work hard at holding us together. I've done it this long. It's what I do. It's my job as the middle.

I always knew if one of us would get sick or have something wrong, it would be me. And I'd rather have it that way. Cause I can control me - I can't control them.

But this one little Nemo?? He's a tiny fish. A blip on our radar.

Us P Family? We're tough. We make it. We just keep swimming. And swim I will. WITH my brother and sister by me. ('Scuse - Gotta go blow my nose now.)

The Panty Assers Have Gone BERSERK!!

You'd have thought it would have started with Panty Fetishes and Ass Week. But the traffic didn't really pick up until I referenced that post again in Those Wacky Search Terms. Ever since that one, I am being searched like never before! Thanks to Yahoo, I am now #6 when a search for "panty ass" is initiated.

And you would not BELIEVE the number of times a day people want to see that!

Now, one good guy friend has admitted a liking (maybe fetish) for plain white, full-back panties, and I sort of understand the draw(er). Panties and asses - It kind of goes hand in hand. Or ass in panty, as it were. But people are looking for this A LOT.

Most are Late Night Stealth Panty Assers. But there are plenty who are First Thing In The Morning Panty Assers. And even a good handful of Nooner Panty Assers.

I've even decided I might add this to my resume. "Experience in Key Word Search Terms." Embed 'panty' and 'ass' somewhere on your site, and you will get tons-o-hits.

What I am most afraid of is that the Panty Assers are COMPLETELY disappointed when they end up with ME! No pics. Not even descriptions of my own panties. Just a story of one semi-pervy (sorry) guy in Las Vegas. These guys (I'm assuming guys...But I'm no homophobe, so girls are welcome too) must feel like I've committed bait and switch. Looking for some nice panties and asses and they get a wanna-be author with a few witty quips.

So, sorry guys. I'd try to spice it up, but my friends read this. (Though, truth be told, my ass is, on most occasions, contained in panties.)

Don't take this as a taking of offense. I'm actually quite fascinated by it and want to learn how your brains (how much did it kill me to not just say 'heads'?) work. I'd be love to hear your comments on just what the appeal is. Like I said, I sort of get the draw(er). But remember, I'm a girl. Thoughts of boys in underwear just don't do a lot for me. Although, I do have a personal preference for boxer briefs.

PASS

The joint that sells food downstairs at my office (it is waaaay too sketchy to be called a Cafe) is one of those 'stick with what ya know' kinda places. Stay away from the breaded and gravied entrees. Go for something safe - Turkey sandwich with mustard. Maybe a BLT (hold the T for me). The salad bar is doable as long as you stay away from anything too eggy or mayo-y.

Today I drop by for lunch....And they're selling SUSHI.

Yeah --- I'll purchase and consume that....Right after I hit the buffet of deviled eggs, tuna salad, and potato salad with extra mayo at Salmonella Is Us.

June Freakin Cleaver

I practiced this weekend for my max-six min-four weeks out with the removal of Nemo. Spent time with just me and cooked, cleaned, laundered.

I was the queen of domesticity. Made myself nice, home-made (not ho-made) dinners FOUR nights in a row. I think I've set a record.

Even made myself a "grown up salad". Meaning, no iceburg, no shredded carrots, no cubed cheddar. No - Some hearts of romaine, dried cranberries, toasted pine nuts, herbed goat cheese, and raspberry vinegarette. Quite tasty if I do say so myself.

Had grilled chicken and grilled pork tenderloin. With a rerun of each.

Steamed asparagus. And wild rice.

I'm going to a concert where you take a picnic Tuesday (James Taylor), so prepped for that. Home-made olive tapanade, hummus, and a lovely tortellini antipasto salad. I'll pick up shrimp to steam on Monday. Except for wine and dessert; we'll be set.

And to top it off?? HOME MADE BANANA BREAD. Yep, folks. I produced that. Miss Tough and Independent can also bake.

Do you know what is really yummy? Toast the banana bread, sprinkle it with some powdered sugar, cover with maple syrup, and plop on a scoop of melty vanilla ice cream. YUM.

June Freakin Cleaver?!?! MOVE OVER!

Shouldn't The Pavlovian Response Kick In?

There's this little noise my pop-up blocker makes. It is a very small noise. And almost impossible to describe. Kind of a little blurp. Kind of a blip. Just an itsy, bitsy noise that you hardly notice.

And EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear it? I think "Was that my tummy? Oh - My laptop."

EVERY TIME.

I swear I feel something in my tummy when it makes that noise.

Today I tried to nail into my head "LAPTOP. NOT TUMMY."

Three seconds later: Blipurp

"Was that my tummy?"

It Is Sinking....But I'm Still Swimming

Just realizing I might need to warn you all that posts may become a bit different over the next few months.

After the discovery of Nemo (that's his name now), my world has been a bit rocked.

Part of me is very hesitant to post here about it. As odd as it sounds, I've realized I am a care-taker. I care more about how those around me are doing/responding/reacting to events in my life, than my own responses and reactions. As long as they're ok and still functioning, I'm ok too. So I have this insane need to keep them all doing just fine. So if you read and it freaks you out...I guess you're just going to need to skip it.

I'm realizing I might need an outlet. And if my outlet can't be in written format, I'm not sure what else can be. So - Belt yourself in. Here we go. I promise for some normal, fun, Trixie posts between. But Nemo is going to be a recurrent theme for a while.

Things I realized/wondered today:

• They're going to operate on my brain, take off part of my skull, and probably get rid of some of my hair. (NO! Not the HAIR!)
• I'm going to be under general anesthetic for the 'better part of a day'
• Being under general anesthetic has inherent risks. I've got things to plan. Maggie needs a mom.
• My mother might be spending a lot of time in my home unaccompanied. You know the bit about your 'toy drawer'. Time to clean up the 'toy drawer'!
• Just how long do I want my mom to stick around? Just while I'm in the hospital? How long after that?
• At what point is it ok for me to evict or kill her?
• Can I join league tennis this fall? What if I can only play a few weeks?
• How long til I can drive?
• How long til I can fly? I'm gonna wanna see my nieces ASAP.

I'm still ok. I'm still swimming. Just so you know....I treaded water the longest in my sixth grade swimming class. So there is no worry of me drowning. None at all. This is what I do.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.........

These Wacky Search Terms

I've finally posted on enough various topics, that I'm getting some really interesting searches. As such, I've become obsessed as to just what searches end up at me.

The most frequent involve asses and panties. Generally combined. That one I understand....From my Vegas post.

Number two in terms of frequency is nipples. Who knew a Barbie Doll post could bring such traffic?

A lot of "A Day In The Life Of....."s. Everything from ".....Stella McCartney" to ".....A Sex Addict." Kind of wondering how that I got that last one. But my title makes both understandable.

I KNEW the Labia post would do the trick. But gaping labia? Does anyone really want them gaping??

Several disgusting ones. Think I threw up in my throat a little at the "aunt niece sex" one. Just proof that the most disgusting thing you can possibly think up is a real life turn on for someone. UGH!

I think my favorite search yet is for "little peepees". It reminds me of a Talking Heads song about babies. But this one frankly befuddles me. Not that me talking about little peepees at some point (ok - lots of points) in my life is all that surprising. But I'm fairly certain I haven't posted anything here about it. I haven't run across that many little peepees in my life. Certainly, none worth posting about. Now big peepee posts? I've got a couple of those I could crank out....Just haven't chosen to do so. (Those of you most interested in those stories probably already know them.) I searched Yahoo for it...And waded through several pages of results. Didn't come across me.

Anyone got a better memory than me? If so, fill me in on what I've been telling ya'll about little peepees. I'd be interested to know.

I Think It Is Still Sinking In

I found out I have a brain tumor today. First off -- NO C WORD. So anyone reading who knows me and doesn't know yet? You can breathe again.

But, yeah, brain tumor. BRAIN TUMOR. Brain Tumor. BRAIN tumor. brain TUmor. brain tuMOR. BRAin TUmor. However you slice it...That's it.

It is in my ear canal. So I'm really choosing to call it an ear tumor. And we're going to name it. "Spot" is the name we're choosing for now. Please remit any choices for names & we'll vote.

I'll be fine. It just has to be removed. There's a 50/50 shot I'll keep what hearing I have. That really isn't so bad...Cause I don't hear a lot out of that ear anyway.

Us girls went out for drinks to celebrate. We figure you get free cake for birthdays....So you must get SOMETHING for a brain tumor. I'm milking it for now. "What? I didn't hear you. I have a BRAIN TUMOR!" "Waitress? I think I need another drink. I have a BRAIN TUMOR!" "Trix fell again when she was drinking?" Well YEAH -- I have a BRAIN TUMOR! "Where are my keys? Of course I don't remember....I have a BRAIN TUMOR!"

Ok - So my therapist calls me the "queen of denial". And that is, obviously, what is going on here.

But as my mother said "What am I going to do? Melt into a puddle? That won't help anything."

So on we go.

As Dory in Finding Nemo says: "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...What do we do we swim, swim, swim...."

I think I'm swimmin', my friends. Swimming, swimming, swimming............

Mostly Relaxation In-a-tube

I had an MRI today. Everyone warned me about how claustrophobic I'd be. That I should insist on the open MRI. That I should request Valium ahead of time. To do deep breathing exercises. And, most importantly, don't look around inside the tube.

And, yeah, I'm a big pussy. If it is a scary medical procedure, chances are high I'm going to freak out.

But this one? I do not get. What's the problem with laying on your back for an hour? Yeah - My head was in a football helmet thingy. But that prevented movement. And yeah - I was in a tube about twice my size. But there was plenty of room. I just laid. And daydreamt. And thought of my happy places. (Not sharing where those are.)

The most frightening part was the stick in the arm for the 'controlling liquid'. Not even sure what that was. Couldn't find a vein at first, which stressed me out a bit. But then just an eensy stick.

Root canals? SUCK. Pap smears? Really not too fun. Dentist appointments? Scary at best. Even the swabby strep tests? Not so fun.

But laying in a nice, cool, quiet space with no one to bother you? No cell phones? No computer? No voicemail? No VPs? No attorneys? No customers?

GIVE ME THIS MRI THING EVERY DAY!

It Feels Like A Smile

I told you about my dad sending me snowbows. I thought, at the time, I had explained the phenomena thoroughly. But now I realize I only told you about that one snowbow. I didn't tell you that my dad regularly sends me rainbows.

Ok - So we all see rainbows. And when I see one, others in my near proximity see them too. But, I swear, they're for me. Or - If they're not just for me? They're at least meant to remind me that my dad is smiling and thinking of me.

They always come at the simplest moments. When I'm standing on my back porch shaking out my bathroom rug. When I'm waiting on the valet to bring my car after dinner. When I'm walking through the Publix parking lot. And every time, I stop and stare and think of my dad and tear up.

This weekend my mom, sis, and niece came to town for a visit. We had a good girl weekend doing good girl things. Like shopping and eating and playing games and watching movies. Sunday evening we spent with friend, K, and her niece and sister's niece. We all went to Chucky Cheese (HOLY headache) and out for ice cream after. The ice cream joint is one of those outside, kiosk type places. Walk up, put in your order, get it through the window, and snarf down cone in parking lot.

So we're all snarfing our confection. And K's sister's niece, Carolita, says: "Look! A rainbow!" Indeed!....A rainbow! So, I continue eating cone, start tearing up, shuffle around trying to avoid everyone, try to not make eye contact, and stare at the rainbow (cause then no one will see me). Of course......dad is sending it to me. Of course......he's smiling. Four of his five girls are all together and sharing a great, girly moment. It doesn't happen all that often, and it certainly doesn't happen when a rainbow can be witnessed. So he picked that moment to send it. Who wouldn't smile at that moment?

More shuffling and avoiding eye contact and tearing up. Then Carolita nails me. Catches me eye-to-eye. She looks quizzically at me, wonders what to say for a minute, and stays silent for just an instant. Then, she gives me a big, beautiful, bracey, toothy smile....And says: "It feels like a smile - Doesn't it?"

YUP! It does. It feels just like a smile. My dad's smile.