Dad -- Thanks for the Snowbow

This one is inspired by my dear, beloved, Pattygal. http://mangoagogo.blogspot.com/2005/05/world-i-know.html

We're frighteningly alike. We both had dumb boy and dad moments today. And shared them simultaneously. We know what each other is going to say before we say it. I know when something is wrong with her...And me likewise.

And we have screwed up family things alike. Specifically, losing our dads at young ages. We adapted amazingly differently. Me - Don't connect with men...Ever...Cause it is scary...Unless they're unavailable. Her - (I'm speaking for her here...So, sorry if I'm wrong.) Connect PLEASE!! Do that daddy part for me! Please!

So she tells the story of her dad sending her songs now and then. Which makes me sit and weep.

But my dad sends me things too. They're not quite as obvious. But they're so real to me.

So - Keep in mind that life prior to my dad's death has pretty much been erased. My therapist (of 12 weeks only) says it is ok and natural. We get rid of the things that scare and threatened us. So...I really don't remember 12-18. Not much. Not a lot. No detail. Just kind of a class outline.

And I don't remember much about right when he died. He came to me the night he died and told me he had to go. And it made things SO much easier. He said he was going to be ok again. Which made me feel ok again....For the first time in my entire adolescent life. It was a strange but comforting night.

So the day comes of the funeral. I remember so little. I remember cousin Steven (God bless his ever loving smart ass soul that I know is reading down on this) singing like an angel. And I remember the service at the graveside. It was April, I think. In Missouri. And it gave one of those last season snows just to remind you you live in the freakin Midwest where it gets cold whenever it wants to. So...Minister doing his thing. People with heads bowed. And snow flakes start falling. And falling. Till it is an all out snow storm. We all gasp. And I look up to the west? And there is the MOST SPECTACULAR rainbow...Wait...It isn't raining...It is a SNOWBOW...Did you KNOW they existed?? And that night came flying back. Yes - You are ok, Dad. No...You're better than ok. You are producing BIG, GLOWING IN THE SKY, FREAKIN, SNOWBOWS!!! You're better than you EVER WERE!!! I can sleep again.

I think that night I laid my head on my pillow with a peace I've never and never again might ever know. Daddy made a SNOWBOW!! Whereever he is has got to be 80 gazillion times better than here!

Like A Herd Of Wild Elephants

So - I've made a conscious attempt to NOT write about my cat, Maggie. 'Cause I don't wanna be one of those crazy cat people. And I really don't think I AM a crazy cat person. Our roles are defined quite clearly. I am the human....She is the animal. I make the rules. She sometimes breaks them, and she then gets punished. (Mostly yelled at and derided. A smack on the butt if I am really pushed.) Of course she IS a cat....So the punishment isn't always so effective. But there is no getting up on the cabinets or tables. No sharing of food. No pictures in my wallet. (One VERY small one on my desk.) No inclusion in holiday cards. None of the really weird stuff.

But you must hear about this one WEIRD thing she does. Other cat owners will have to tell me if this is normal. I've had about 4 other cats in my life and none of them did it. And I'm pretty sure my sis's cats don't do it. But Maggie JUST did it. It happens maybe twice a month or so.

We're sitting here...All calm-like. Me on the couch. Her stretched out on the floor. She hasn't done anything, so she's not in trouble and/or pissed off. We haven't been playing, so she's not riled up. We don't do catnip, because it makes her drool and that is just gross. She hasn't had any coffee or Coke, so it cannot be a caffiene rush. And ever since that little stint in rehab, she's steered clear of the cocaine and X (or so she assures me), so that isn't it either.

But suddenly....Out of the blue...She LEAPS up and DASHES to the back bedroom. Hops up on the bed and back off and at the speed of light races the length of the place, through the dining room and living room, to the front bedroom. Makes a quick u-turn in the front bedroom and races back. This keeps up for about three rounds. All the while, she is growling/howling in a voice as close to a real tiger as I think a domesticated feline can possibly sound. And, somehow, the feet attached to her little nine pound body hit the floor hard enough to make it sound like a herd of elephants is running through my living room. Seriously, the doors on my armoire rattle. Then she's done, and she plops back on the living room floor.

So I sit here and think: "What just HAPPENED in her head???"

• "I cannot BELIEVE she didn't give me a bite of that piece of pepperoni...And just sitting here thinking about it is PISSING ME OFF. I gotta get this anger outta me!! Let's do the herd of elephants thing."

- or -

• "I'm having a fat day. After all, I'm a domesticated feline and don't get out much. I need to run some of these pounds off. Ok - RUN! The herd of elephants thing!" Then "WHEW - Three rounds? That was enough of THAT!"

- or -

• "I need to remind her I'm the animal and not to take that TOO much for granted. What to do? I know...The herd of elephants thing!."

- or -

• "I want to just freak her out again and make her wonder what the hell I'm doing. And sit back and laugh about it. Go - The herd of elephants thing!"

- or -

• "I'm a cat and I don't think....RUN."

I've Had This Nightmare

So - Yeeeeeeaaaaars ago....I saw something on one of those shows. That's Incredible - or - Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Something like that. All I know is....It was about some Asian guy whose not so developed brother took up residency on his face. Like -- There was some of a head, some hair, squinched up eyes, a distorted nose, and gnarly teeth coming outta the first guys CHEEK. It freaked me out so much? I had nightmares for about a year straight.

And when I moved into the top half of this cute little aparment/house? I had unrealistic fears that they guy with the brother on his face lived in the basement. So much so? That I either had to stay with my boyfriend or have my boyfriend stay with me. And, yes, I am normally a rational person with rational reactions....But this one just got me. Eventually, I moved.

My brother finds this HYSTERICAL. It has been a frequent theme and topic over 20-some years. Comes up at least once a year. "You know that guy with his brother in his cheek???" Yes...Yes, I know him. Please don't remind me.

So my latest reminder from my dear brother late last night:

Subject Line: Baby You Are So Freaky

Did you see that 2-headed baby on Oprah???

Man, it was one full sized kid and then another baby head with like a 3rd of a torso growing out of the 1st kid's head.

And the 2nd head would cry, smile and make facial expressions independent of the other head!! A parasitic head and only like 10 others are in recorded existence.

Supa freeky. I hope you didn't see it because you'll have nightmares for 6 months if you did.

Oh but you HAD to tell me...DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!?

Thanks for that, dear Bro. Thanks for a repeatition of the nightmares. You are a f-ing LAUGH RIOT.

My Good Friend's Wedding

Ok - So I have a crush on Tennis Pro, Frank. Cannot help it. He's CUTE. And he has a radio broadcaster's voice. And he reminds me of Bobuck. And I signed up for my second round of tennis lessons so I can Jones on him more. (And to get better at tennis.)

Trix: HEY! i just had a great thought!!
k: yeah? what?
Trix: frank can go to your wedding with me!!!
k: Great idea
Trix: all 3 of us will be best buuuuuuuuds by then
Trix: we'll be hanging oooooooooooouut by then
Trix: he'll be asking you when it iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss
Trix: he'll be asking you the plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans
k: I am laughing out loud literally. it could work :-) fun
Trix: I'll have on the obligatory little black dress. With hair up. He'll be ina tux........And i'll JUMP him in the hotel room!!! POUNCE
k: good thinkin' lincoln'
Trix: hee -- i crack me up. we'll do the chicken dance together
ksing1974: ok - now i am really laughing out loud again. silly me. u r fun. ya never know
Trix: you know i am singing the chicken dance in my head....right??? clapclapclapclap!
k: the bonding over our being rock star tennis players could lead to this...he'll be coaching us all through oct
Trix: oct is a freakin LONG TIME TO WAIT! i may need some before then
k: lol. well u can take him for a test drive
Trix: several! i've already studied the hands...................
k: u r bad
Trix: i am GOOD
Trix: frank either bites his nails or cuts them way short. but they are nice, average sized hands....fingers a little bit longer than usual

You know what they say. "Big hands?....Big gloves."

These Dreams

Friend, K, sent this test today:

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious. You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep. You tend to be a very productive thinker. Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities. You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind. You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

And yeah - My dreams are freaky. And it came about because of the bowl dream.

I've had several recurring dreams throughout my life:

• The emergency/911 dream - 911 is either busy, or ringing and ringing, or they won't listen to me. "No - I am at the 14th street exit and there IS a 92 car pile up!" "Are you sure, ma'am? We don't have a report." "That is why I AM REPORTING IT." Then there's the version with Harvey Keitel pointing a Glock at my sister's head in my bedroom while I'm hiding and calling 911 and they AGAIN won't answer or listen. "Harvey Keitel?" "YES - HARVEY KEITEL!" (I know that is horrid. Please, God, don't let that happen in real life.)
• The teeth dream - I lose them. Generally they just fall out. But there is always another one right behind them. Like adult teeth after baby teeth. So, while I'm upset for a moment....Everything is ok in the end.
• The one from when I was a very young child where some kind of Bullwinkle balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is chasing me. That's about it to that one. But it still scares the pee out of me.
• The one with pins, or glass, or shards of metal buried just beneath my skin. And I need to extract it painfully. But as I do so...More just appears. It doesn't hurt...But it is frustrating as hell. This is the most recent one. And there is never any resolution. I hate it when I wake up from this one.

Then there is this condition I have called Night Terrors. I inherited it from my Mom. I've had them all my life, as she has too. They've gotten less as I've gotten older. But they still occur now & then:

Night Terrors Symptoms: Sudden awakening from sleep, persistent fear or terror that occurs at night, screaming, sweating, confusion, rapid heart rate, inability to explain what happened, usually no recall of "bad dreams" or nightmares, may have a vague sense of frightening images. Many people see spiders, snakes, animals or people in the room, are unable to fully awake, difficult to comfort, with no memory of the event on awakening the next day.

Usually, mine don't even wake me up. I have to warn people that may be sleeping near me (not a lot lately), to just leave me alone. Let me go back to sleep. Cause those who have awakened me? Have gotten punched, kicked, left alone in bed for me to go walk onto the front porch, or riddled with some line of gibberish that leaves them wondering if I just got religion & was speaking on tongues.

The other version of this is my "wake up and something just isn't right" phenomenon. It happens in two forms. 1) Something is wrong with my clock. Mess with clock. Mess with clock. Mess with clock. Mess with clock. Clock is pissing me off. Go back to sleep. You guessed it....At 9am clock says 2pm. 2) Something is wrong with my pillow. Mess with pillow. Mess with pillow. Mess with pillow. Mess with pillow. Pillow is pissing me off. Go back to sleep. Wake up with pillows on the dresser, on the bedside table, on the bookshelf.

Sleeping is an exhausting sport for me. It works best if I don't start it until about 3am and end about 10am. Unfortunately, this doesn't fit well with Corporate America. Which makes me an insomniac. Which is yet another blog.................

So I played tennis like a ROCK STAR today! And like a ROCK STAR means.....I hit it over the net. I could get my serve sorta down. I could rally more than once...or twice....or thrice. I was a ROCK STAR! (So was friend K, BTW.....We're both rock stars.)


It is the only fun sport I've ever participated in. Maybe it is because it has so much to do with your head. Even though your hands have to make contact. Your brain is a big part of it. I couldn't get the serve down. Til I figured out I was throwing behind...or above....but not straight AT.

I'm sooooooooooooo excited it is our new thing. We sweated our ASSES off. And asses off cannot be a bad thing...........

And we have a giant crush....On Frank - Our Coach. Just let that serve rock, so Frank thinks I do. All I wish for is "One Good Trixie!" Sigh.

You've Got A Friend.....No - Lotsa Friends

I have got the best friends and family on the whole entire earth. I don't know what I did right on The Karma Train...But, somehow, God picked the very best ones to walk the planet and sent them to ME. ME! Trix!

They're all very different and each have their own special something. They give to me in ways I cannot even describe. That's the thing about friendship. When the take starts to outweigh the give? You've got a problem. The giving of mine is just astonishing.

So you read about my dream. And that work is feeling especially....Scary now. And I'm also having this fascination with James Taylor (JT) lately. I'm seeing him in concert later this summer....Crossing it of my 2005 AND lifetime to do list. So I'm listening to him lots lately. And I get teary lots lately. I send soulmate, Pattygal, the following:

• Listening to JT now....And thinking of you thinking of me. And tearing up.
  
  "They'll take your soul if you let them. Oh now...But don't you let them." (GD!! Bad Boss!! Won't take it!)
  
  "Winter, spring, summer, or fall...All you've gotta do is call.And I'll be there, yes I will." I think you could call from Timbuktu.
  
  JT has the best wisdom ever I think.
  
  I miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!! (Moving in silent desparation.....)

Her amazing reply? And I'm highlighting the most amazing part?:

• sniff sniff... JT is BRILLIANT!your soul is safe from Bad Boss. No one can steal it from you... its yours and mine, and b's and h's, and k's and furf's, and maggie's bc you share it. that is was makes you special and it has nothing to do with Bad Boss or Work or what you do from 9-5 (or 10-7, whatever).you are not Work. Work is not Trix's soul. you already know this but i think it doesn't hurt to hear that what defines you as a beautiful person is not in the bowl. (from the dream.) don't be angry that what is in there is not enough. it never was enough for any of us and that is why we all sit around the table together as friends/family. it isnt the meal that nourishes, its the fact that we share it.

Did I tell you I have the BEST FRIENDS? Good lord.....I'm in tears again.......Forget JT. Pattygal is BRILLIANT!

Trixie-San

I got a note today from a colleague in Japan. And they actually address me as "Trixie-San". Now, if you know my real name? Insert it...It makes it even funnier, no?

So, it reminded me. My sister lives in a fairly large city and fairly close into such city. But the zoning is a little odd....And her area of town is 'unincorporated'. Meaning, they don't have to follow county ordinances as strictly as others. One of which being, I guess, owning 'livestock'. (Can ya' call it that??) So the neighbors behind them have a HUGE potbellied pig, several dogs, some kinda horrid bird (the bird thing), one little spider monkey who lives inside, and one Macaque monkey....Those ones with the frozen heads in Japanese pools. See below:

http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/CRT/CRT235/002402TB.jpg

So, that's what lives almost in my sister's backyard.

His name is Kabuki. But to me and all my family, he is Kabuki-San. It just has to be. That would be his Japanese name...Right?

He's a male. And he has some pretty dominant tendencies. One of which involves niece, H. ANY man entering the backyard within 10 feet of H? Kabuki-San FREAKS. That includes her father. Who happens to hang out with her in the back yard on a fairly regular basis. It is the funniest thing you've ever seen! No dung throwing or anything horrific. Just bouncing around the cage at break neck speed and SCREAMING.

Each trip I make to their home, I make a special point to bring Daddy and H out into the yard together. Because I just cannot miss that show...Can I? If Daddy is not available, I try to get my bro out there. If all else fails? I go grab Howard, the neighbor. I have to see the show? NO???'

I have to have a special love for Kabuki-San. Cause he obviously loves H. And would protect her to teeth baring lenghts like Aunt Trix would. But, uh,.....He's a monkey. (Monkey! Monkeys live behind my sister! Shoulders shrugging.)

I predict Kabuki-San's demise will be something similar to throwing himself into the chain link fence at breakneck speed to save his and my favorite female from the hideous hands of said....FATHER?

Can Trixie-San and Kabuki-San not LOVE each other???

It Isn't Enough

I knew when I woke up it meant something other than what seemed obvious. I knew it had a lot more to do with my current life situation. I knew I couldn't figure it out on my own easily. So, I had to enlist Pattygal. Here's the best I can do to relay the dream:

• I'm an adult. My brother and sister are adults. My dad is alive. And my mom has just made dinner. The 5 of us are sitting down to dinner like normal childhood dinners. There are Dorito/chips and salsa type chips on our plates and we are spooning something like chili or taco meat out of a bowl on top of them. Dad, bro, and sis have served themselves. I'm about to serve myself, then Mom will serve herself. The bowl gets to me...And there's not nearly enough to serve Mom and me.....Almost not enough for me. And I AM PISSED!!! PISSED!!! (Keep in mind here....My family doesn't GET pissed.) "There's not enough! Why wouldn't you make enough?! Didn't you KNOW there wouldn't be enough? Didn't you know there needed to be more? There's not enough!!!" And everyone is looking at me like I have 7 heads. "FINE. Just FINE. I'll just go out and get something for myself. FINE." So, Mom takes the bowl and looks in and says...."What's wrong? There's nothing wrong with it. That's just a peanut in there." (Don't ask me to make it all make sense.) There's nothing wrong with it." Still pissed I say, "NO. I didn't say there was anything WRONG with it! I said there wasn't enough! There is NOT ENOUGH! FINE....I'll just go get something!" And I storm out of the house. The End.

Now, I know it isn't that I have an eating disorder and it is about portion control. And I know it isn't that I didn't receive enough love from my family. But I'm not sure just what it is. Enter Pattygal. I relay it all to her and she has one question. "Who is it you are angry with in the dream?" Me - "Mom."

Interpretation

(In Pattygal's voice)

You are your mom. You are angry with yourself. You've convinced yourself for years what you have - Your career and your friendships - is enough. Now one (career) is disintegrating. What you thought you had....You haven't. And you've suddenly realize.....IT ISN'T ENOUGH. What you have is good...There's nothing "wrong with it". But it just is not enough.....................So? What are you going to go get?

Wow..........................Wow...........................Wow..............................

She's right. It. Just. Isn't. Enough.

Her first thought was "You need a boy." Yes...Yes, I do. But last time I checked at The Boystore, all the boys were on back order.

So, I'm on a quest to get more. First step is tennis lessons, which friend, K, gently pushed me to take with her. Thanks, K. It is the first activity involving running and a ball I do not absolutely detest. (I know - Most do.)

Second thing might be a gym membership to the place we are taking lessons. It is the first gym I've ever entered I do not immediately detest. No crowded locker rooms, no lines for machines, no one looking at your ass jiggling (so far), no meatheads or juice monkeys, no booming/pounding music, no one chatting you up like a bad seatmate on an airplane.

So - Your suggestions on additional content are welcome. Boys and husbands are obvious. Babies are out at this point. And I already have a pet. Everything else is free game.

So whatever more there is out there? Bring it on.

That dream was a freakin' eye opener.

Your Smiling Face

There is more of SFO to come...But right now? I need to gush. So you know it is family. The niece. The best niece ever.

The kid is a singer. She sings all the time. She's one of three people I know who can hear a song they've never heard before, and hum along! Niece H, Sis N, and friend LK. I've witnessed it in each. Sis N can hum along to made up elevator music. I am a fairly musical person myself, but the phenomenon is amazing ot me.

Last time I was visiting, while riding in the car and listening to CDs, we discovered we both love James Taylor. And, specifically, Your Smiling Face. So now, each time we get on the phone, she requests: "Sing our song, Aunt Trix!!" And I sing and she sings with me (loudly):

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you.
And when you give me
That pretty little pout
It turns me inside out.
There's something about you, baby.
I don't know.
Isn't it amazing an aunt like me
Can feel this way?
Tell me how much longer
It can grow stronger every daaaaaaaay.

Sometimes we stop here. Sometimes we keep singing.

She's such a great kid. She lifts my heart every time I even think about her. We'll be connected forever. Thank GOD for H!! I said she lifts my heart? I think that is not the right analogy. She makes my heart sing!! And she sings and sings................!

San Fran - Part Uno

It was a great trip. But it was so fraught with weirdness, I can only give it to you in installments. The whole thing in entirety is almost overwhelming.

Friend, B, is headed to SFO (San Francisco for you non-travel industry types) for a conference. I get cheap airline standby benes, so the only logical thing is for me to go with and shack up. So, off we go, headed out on the 8am flight Saturday.

I'm supposed to be out of the house by 6am (gotta give a lot of lead time for the Atlanta airport). But - oopsie! - I wake up at 540-somethingam.

One very groggy Trix calls B - "I just woke up!"
B - "You can do it!!"
Trix - "HOW can I do it??"
B - "Start by hanging up and getting in the shower! If you don't make this flight, just take the next!"
Trix - "Right! Bye!"

Trix races to shower (which I always turn on prior to getting in), attempts to plant right foot in very clean very click shower, and WHAM! It is very blurry, but I distinctly remember my forehead making contact with the back of the tub. WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! I gather myself as much as dizzily possible, and scream to myself (literally....out loud): "JUST KEEP GOING!!" I cannot quite stand yet, so I wash and condition my hair sitting down. By the time I make it to soaping up, I can stand. Hop (carefully) out of shower...Yup....There's a little mark between my eyes...Not bad...Make up will take care of that. JUST KEEP GOING.

I somehow have the presence of mind to pack all the necessary cosmetic/housekeeping items. It is a humid day, so drying the curls is taking longer than usual. More yelling: "DRY - DAMN YOU!" But miraculously, I make it into the car by 610am.

Call B to tell her about my fall and we decide I do not need any freakin emergency room. And FLY to airport.

Make it to the gate....B takes a look and says: "It is a little swollen. But if I didn't know you, I wouldn't think a thing. Except maybe that you were a Mongoloid." (So PC of you, B.)

We later figure out the incident has resulted in one very bruised left calf, one very bruised right forearm, one nice knot between eyes, and two black eyes....That get blacker with each passing day. I tried to take pictures for you guys....But even the palest of skin doesn't show bruises well via digital camera. Plus - The one on my arm hasn't even really gotten to its full glory yet. It is still aging.

We board the plane in the middle of a thunderstorm and I snuggle down in my three empty seats for a nice nap. I'm so pooped I fall asleep prior to take off...which NEVER happens because I have a strange paranoia about that. Mid-nappypoo I am awakened by a huge BAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP. People actually screamed and dove under seats. Me? I sat up and thought "Wow - My head hurts." Pilot comes on PA: "Yeah folks - That one musta been pretty close." We wait. Pilot comes back on PA: "Yeah folks - That was so close? It was our tail. Let's go to gate B329a (that is for effect to make it far away) and get our new plane." Uh yeeeeeeeeaaaah. Good idea!

Seems the folks in first (including the B in front my friend B) heard the inside skinny. They knew right away it hit our tail. And it made a large black streak from the tail to the Jetway. Yeah - Let's not so much use this plane.

It was about now that we both started thinking "Is this a sign? Do we just go home?"

But oh no......We must go on.

Which will bring further installments in the next few days.