An Eve At David's Bridal

I wasn't 200% sold on the idea of wedding dress shopping...But I knew how much it would mean to her if I went. I also knew that her mom wanted to get to know me a little better, and it seemed like the perfect time. I didn't know her sister, who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and scheduled for a double mastectomy, would be there. Or that their long time family friend would join. Now - I'm so happy events unfolded just like they did.

You see - To me it wasn't a night of bridal shopping and dinner. It was one giant reminder of how important friends, family, laughter, health, and mostly love are to us lowly beings calls humans. It was a great female bonding experience.

We joked about the cancer...And that A pretty much gets a trump card to do whatever she wants for several months. When I told K I didn't like the dress A had picked...K's response = "Be nice to her...She has cancer."

We talked about those unexpected things that come from the kindness of strangers. Like the unexpected basket of flowers A got from a little known neighbor. Reminding us all not so much how much the kindness of strangers means...But how much it means to be a kind stranger.

We discussed difficult things...Like what and how much you tell your co-workers.

We admitted it is ok to melt down; everyone does sooner or later. And it is ok to cry. They're trying so hard to be rocks and I admire each of them for it.

K tried on two bazillion fabulous wedding dresses...Waiting for the one that said "BRIDE" and decided that might not always happen. We're now creating the shortlist.

Oh and that poor ugly bride in the room next to us. And the somewhat large one giving such a valiant effort to convince herself strapless is ok. (Honey - Sorry. It isn't.)

So girls...Thanks for letting me share a night that was a reminder of what girl bonding, friend bonding, and family bonding is. It may have been a normal night for you...But remember my family is far away. What I would give to be you. It was a giant love fest for me.

I cried when I got in my car. Cause I'm so happy for K and so devastated for A......And so very sad they are coming at the same time.

I Needed An Umbrella

It was supposed to be just a quick lunch trip to Macy's for a black umbrella to take on my annual Girls' Weekend In New Orleans trip tomorrow. But it turned into so much more....

Step into Macy's and immediately find my umbrella. My choices were one brand only, and big or little. So we went for little. Didn't check the price. Didn't pay attention to the price as the girl rang me up. After signing...Realize I now am the proud owner of a $22 little umbrella. Said umbrella and I run a high likelihood of parting ways while in New Orleans.

Then I decide on Chic Fil A for lunch. So head down to the food court. On my way, I come upon Victoria's Secret. And I am one of those girls who cannot just walk by. So, I pop in. Browsing through the cute, on sale undies...When whom should I spot? The mid-50s, up until now gender neutral, female CTO of my company. It is wrong on so many levels, I cannot even begin to calculate. I purchase my undies and make a hasty exit.

Get my Chic Fil A. And head back out through Macy's. Oh look! It is Clinique Bonus Time. For those of you (men) who do not know what this means....It is that short period that comes about almost quarterly where you get a gift with purchase if you spend just enough on Clinique makeup. I do need a new tube of Almost Makeup (in Fair), so the girl in white brings me that. Oops....It doesn't put me up to the amount to receive the Bonus. Ok - I can always use some Moisture Surge..Bring that on, too. "We only have the large size. Is that OK?" Sure...I go through it like water anyway. I'll use it. So I spent $62 on two items to get my Bonus.

Came back to the office and had to bring my Bonus in. Couldn't wait until I get home to see what kinds of little goodies I've just gotten. So we now have.....A very cute purply-pink multi-pocket makeup bag, a little pot of moisturizer which will get thrown under my guest bathroom sink and stay there until I move, lipstick called "Frosty Coral" which is too light for me but I hear coral is in this season so we'll see if B likes it, a small bottle of makeup remover...which I really do happen to like and will use, an eye shadow trio....I might use the one in the middle, and a teensy bottle containing about 4 sprays of some distinctly old lady smelling purfume.

$62 well spent.

Fluffy Fresh Wonderfulness

Anyone who knows me, knows I HATE mornings. Detest them. Really have a difficult time with them. My mother commented a while back that for my entire seventh and eighth grade years, I wouldn't speak in the mornings. I cannot help it...It is just who I am. Get me past 11am and I am fine. Before that....Best of luck to ya. It is all a crap shoot. Just one giant coffee nursing session.

I hate to wake up, refuse to use an alarm clock, love to loll in bed, and almost cry when I do force myself out of bed....But the one redeeming quality of morning is grabbing, smelling, and wrapping myself in that big, fluffy, clean, Tide-smelling towel. I think it has somewhat of a 'blankie' effect with me. I get out of the shower...Wrap in a towel..Flop on the couch with coffee and stare blankly at the tv. (It isn't on..I just stare.)

Which makes me remember that my most recent ex hated my towels. This I do not understand. I pride myself in my towels. No flimsy Target towels for me. I go for almost beach towel sized and make a point of picking big and fluffy. How could he be dissing my towels? "They're not absorbent." Well, they're not plastic or SaranWrap for gawd's sake! What do you mean, they're not absorbent? Here...Have a maxipad...It's absorbent. Says so on the package. I should have taken it as a sign.

I even love folding towels. And I have a very specific technic...Taught to me by above mother. Fold in half short end to short end. Fold in half again. Now fold inward longways by thirds. I'll have to show you..It is awesome. Makes for the best linen closet stacking you can ever imagine.

I am definitely a comfortaholic. Warm fluffy towels, snuggly blankies, big hugs, chicken soup, fireplaces, 'comfy clothes' (we'll discuss this phenomena later on), jeans with holes.

Am sitting here attempting to analyze this quirk about me....But, sorry, my comfy blankie is calling..........

Put the O Back in Romance

Yes - You read it right. And when I heard the radio ad, I had to ask myself the same question. "Is that really what they said?" Why, yes....yes it is.

The ad is for www.pureromance.com. The Mary Kay of sex toys. And that is their catch phrase "Teaching ladies to put the O back in romance." Better than Overstock.com. One has to wonder....If you sell enough, do you get a giant pink dildo?

Take Control Of Your Life...Sign Up Today For $99. I may have missed my chance, because they were just in Atlanta yesterday and today at the Perimeter Prime Hotel & Suites. With a live party at 730p both days. Damn you and your birthday, Karen! This could have been my shot at success. (Pun fully intended.) They're endorsed by Forbes....Must be legit.

And the girl who I most love to hate is their most recent spokes person...JESSICA SIMPSON. 'Scuse me as I wretch.

So let us peruse the merchandise, ladies. (Just imagine me show casing dildos, vibrators, and other unmentionables...Carol Merrill-style.) The girl on the opening page has her eyes closed with a smile of utter bliss...She's obviously just finished up with said merchandise. What to choose? "Playful Beginnings?" "Romantic Interludes?"

Here we go...TOP SELLERS!! Like A Virgin -- Apparently this does something that tightens up the ol' equipment to just like new. A) Don't need it just yet. Catch me in 20 years. B) Don't want something that messes with my stuff like that. Booty Ease -- The booty wasn't meant to be easy...So no.

Ok - SPECIALS...Let's have a look. The Little Gem -- Looks kind of like a purple laytex sperm. Oh..And it is a "multi-use probe". Wonder if it works on that itch somewhere between your ear and your throat? That'd be a handy invention. The King Tut - Must be a knock off of the ever so popular Jack Rabbit. We can have that conversation later...but the Jack Rabbit is just way too gadgety for me. To many working parts. The moving pearls, the 42 speeds, the little rabbit by and his ears. Really the ears are all that matter...So why all that other fuss? Mr Tut's description "With more thickness than the average vibe this enhanced Egyptian lover with three cl*%($*@# stimulators has multiple gyrations for centuries of satisfaction." Three? Do I really need three? I only have one....

This, as with everything in my life, has endless questions and needs serious disection. *On what occasion do you throw this little soiree? Can I imagine my somewhat buttoned up work acquaintances inviting me over for "Cocktails and Vibes"?...Much like they do with "Cocktails and Tupperware"? (Which....Cocktails my ass...You just want the free stuff and are thinking you'll entice me with a measly glass of Sutter Home White Zinfandel.) *What is a guy's equivalent? The only thing I can think of is a circle jerk. Brings back a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. *Doesn't your target market get tapped out pretty quickly? How many toys does a girl need? One works for me. And I can do without him in a pinch.

So there ya go...A glimpse into my perverted and always questioning mind. Who'd have thunk we'd have progressed from not voting and corsets to sex toy parties on a Thursday night. Can't be Wednesday...That's church night for a lot of people.

A Night In Singles Hell

So I have a raging sinus headache...But it won't stop me from telling you about Hell In 60s Plus Singledom.

The title was "35Plus Happy Hour". I'm forty...35+ should be fine, right? WRONG! Retitle 55+. It was at Olive's..Which is a cool spot. So we figured, "How bad could it be? So it ends up a girls' night at Olives!" OOOOoooooooooooh, we were so mistaken. We walk in and Anne who is a terriffic looking 48 says "I'm old...but these people are older." And, literally, ladies with hairdo's dones once a week at the salon, men who must have stock in Viagra. Horrid. But what the hey? Let's have a good time with it and go for the laugh?

First we meet Paul - A very cool professor at Emory who had tons o' guts in just injecting himself into a group of gals to chat...Kudos Paul. Then maybe Tom? Some guy from Coke. Just a guy.

We meet a lady named Charlotte..Ok looking, somewhat heavy, doesn't dress for it well, but very nice. She approaches us later with "I need to be saved!!!" Well, we're here to help...Come on and join us. Seems the big bald guy in black in the corner told her he liked tall, chubby women...And that was why he picked her. OOOooooooh yeah - That gets the chicks every time.

So -- At one point I'm stuck by myself..Where's Anne? Where's Lisa? I'll go find them. Do a circle around the bar...See "Frank" the older or so man make a bead on me. Ok -- I'm friendly enough. I'll talk. "My dear..Can I buy you a condo, a car, a drink?" Me -- "Sure - All of the above." I make what I think is the smashingly great opening line of "So Frank, what brings you here tonight?" To which he replies...And isn't kidding, I realize, "The bus." Asks if I am on the bus line (NO), asks if my car runs after the bus line stops (thought you were buying me a car), tells me he can better show me than tell me where he lives and on and on...You get it. SCUM. And 62 year old scum!!

So I make a graceful exit with him. And he later shows back up with his friend Saul. (I have no idea if this is his real name..But they became Saul and Morty.) Saul says -- "So Morty, she's a nice looking one...She must be about 45. " Me -- I AM NOT FORTY FIVE!! Nor do I look anywhere near it. Old freakin coot. Than Saul says -- "She'll do. What's wrong with her?" Me -- "I'll DO. There is NOTHING wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!" My god - Judged by a 65 year old. Even a lifetime prescription of Viagra gets them no points. I'll depend on ol Buzzy before that!

I'm disgusted. EEEEWWWWW!!! See why I am single???????? Note to self...Commit suicide before succumbing to Saul and Morty.

Comments

So I am just finding out that there are people viewing my Blog and commenting! However, I never see their comments! I show zero comments on every/any post.

But wait - This is my quest in life...To be known! To make people laugh! To entertain the masses, be ever so witty, and to be unendlessly entertaining. So what if everything I write gets comments and I don't know? What if I am not receiving my proper accolades? I NEED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!

I'm so sad...I must figure out this 'bug'.

I met a new friend today. His name is Mike. I am afraid he is intimidatingly intelligent. But I do not have enough smart people in my life. So I'd like to put him on the A list. Mike - If you are reading that..How 'bout that?

http://mangoagogo.blogspot.com

Who Knew?

Well....Maybe I did.

I took a test today at www.beliefnet.com. It asks you a series of questions on your spiritual beliefs, and then spits out what religion you are - Or should be....Whether you know it or not. Turns out -- I should be practicing Reform Judiasm. I've always suspected I was Jewish hiding inside a Protestant girl's body. Now it is confirmed.

I think it is the whole Jesus thing that does it (or doesn't) for me. (See my post below.) I believe he existed. I even believe God sent him to earth. My reasons why are different though. The Jews just believed....They didn't need any proof..Which I guess is what makes them the 'chosen'. Talk about faith -- There ya have it. But the rest of us needed proof. And humans are so self centered...The only proof that would work was something just like us...Which means it had to be in human form. So this guy came to earth, performed a bunch of miracles, lived like a saint, and convinced a hell of a lot of us (pun intended) that there is a God. It worked. I believe he is/was very holy and more godly than any of us. But it just doesn't matter to me whether he is the "Son of God"...It doesn't matter if Mary was a virgin. And that whole Trinity thing - The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost - that REALLY freaks me out. What the f is a "Holy Ghost"?? Sounds like someone that Ebenezer Scrooge met.

So now I come to -- Who is the head dude? Jesus? Or God?Obviously, my previous paragraph gives a little insight my opinion. It's God. I pray to God. Jesus is just kind of an extra...A stand in if God needs one. Once Jesus came along, God just got demoted?? What's with that? God is God. (I almost just came up with the worst analogy in history...Having to do with John Ashcroft and W. Don't ask...I despise them both. Backspace backspace erase erase erase!)

So anyway -- beliefnet also thought I was very much a Liberal Quaker, a Unitarian Universalist, a Neo-Pagan (what's neo about it? Does that mean I worship new hybrid trees?), and eighth on the list was Liberal Protestant...Which is what I would call myself on paper.

It all just brings me back to the fact that we're all the same...Just different labels. Something we should realize across the board. Black/white, buddhist/Catholic, Republican/Democrat (you KNOW what a stretch that was for me), male/female. In the wise words of Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?"

Love you - Mean it - RJP

One Comes In and One Prepares To Go Out

How is it that all those cheesey cliches seem to come true?

Today I got a new, beautiful niece. Sarah Rose Scott.

Also today, I found out a friend of mine has 1-2 years left to live. LON.

Tears were shed for both.

I'll give you more later. Time to celebrate and grieve a bit.